1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process, closing its mouth and stroking throat.
3. Give cat a bath, pretend to pamper and...
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing woodenruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.
Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from roof of neighbor's roof.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Offer cat bottle of vodka if it would do the favor of opening it. As it opens mouth, jam pill inside. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the aerial antenna across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws withgarden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.